The 5 Stages of Grief Aren’t a Checklist: Navigating Fertility Loss in Your Own Way
- Deanna Kiley
- Nov 22, 2025
- 3 min read
Facing your fertility struggles or loss can leave you struggling with unexpected waves of grief. While many people have some understanding of the Kübler-Ross stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—grief is rarely linear. It isn’t a series of steps to complete, and it certainly doesn’t unfold in a predictable order. Your experience is uniquely your own.
The Many Layers of Fertility Grief
Grief in fertility is often complex. Initially, you may not even recognize you are mourning. Each menstrual cycle can feel like the loss of another chance. You may grieve the loss of intimacy, time, joy, trust in your body, hope, embryos, or a much-wanted pregnancy. Unsuccessful egg retrievals or transfers can deepen the pain in ways you never expected.
Unlike a single, defined loss, fertility grief is filled with unknowns. You may still be trying, still waiting, and still hoping—making you feel you are in a painful limbo. There is no clear endpoint, and no timeline you “should” or “could” be following so you can feel less sadness.
Grief Is Fluid, Not Linear
Many think grief will follow predictable stages, but it often feels more like a wave—rising, falling, and returning unexpectedly. You might feel anger and acceptance in the same day. You might think you’ve “moved on,” only to revisit old emotions weeks later. All of this is normal.
In fertility, where hopes and dreams are deeply intertwined, this ebb and flow can feel especially intense. Frustration one moment, hope the next—your emotions may shift rapidly. Allowing yourself to feel what comes up is an important part of healing.
Honouring Your Emotions
Grief isn’t just sadness. For example, it can show up as anger, guilt, confusion, numbness, or even relief. These feelings may contradict each other, and that’s okay. Many people feel anger at their body, the process, or the circumstances. Others find themselves bargaining or imagining “what if” scenarios. You may feel envy about other’s pregnancies.
These reactions don’t mean you're doing anything wrong—they’re a natural part of processing loss. You want to feel normal, but you feel sad. You have a dream of becoming a parent, and it has been a painful struggle. Give yourself time and allow your feelings.
Coming to terms with your situation—In Your Own Time
Coming to terms with your fertility losses and reaching some form of “acceptance” doesn’t mean the pain disappears, nor is it the “final” destination. It doesn’t mean you are “okay” with what is happening, instead it can be that you are ready to move past the intense pain and look at a next step to take.
For some, acceptance means feeling ready to try again. For others, it may involve reimagining what their family might look like, or finding peace with what is no longer possible. You may revisit earlier emotions even after finding acceptance. Healing is not a straight line.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
Support can make a profound difference—whether from a therapist, support group, or trusted loved ones who understand the weight of fertility loss. Sharing your experience can help you feel seen, validated, and less alone.
I specialize in supporting individuals experiencing fertility-related anxiety and grief through my Ontario-based virtual practice. I offer compassionate, non-judgmental therapy and will walk with you through the emotions, uncertainties, and waves of grief.
Grief is deeply personal, and there is no “right” way to heal. The stages can offer insight, but they are not a checklist. Your process is your own, and I’m here to guide you gently through it.
If you're ready for support, please reach out at Deanna@smartsensecounselling.com.
Be kind to yourself as you move through this journey. Healing unfolds in its own time, and eventually, you will find your way forward.
References
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner
Harris, D. L. (Ed.). (2011). Infertility and reproductive loss. In Counting our losses: Reflecting on change, loss, and transition in everyday life (pp. 171–181). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
